Through the Daunting Door

  My first memory as the darkness of anesthesia lifted was a flurry of voices as someone said, "we are going to do a quick x-ray ok?" My eyes flickered opened just long enough to see the strangest machine over the top of me and a mob of nurses surrounding me. "Ok, 1, 2, 3!!" Pain ripped through my body and I screamed as I was lifted and a hard board was placed under me. A sound. Then fog. 

The remainder of the first hours out of surgery are blurry and I often say, "I think I remember...but maybe that was a dream." However, I know for certain that I remember my husband gently stroking my hand,  a LOT of comments about me being very pale and a desperate desire to hear my mom's voice more than anything else in the world. 

My surgeon came to visit us and assured us that the surgery itself had gone smoothly but wanted to discuss, "something that happened." During the course of the surgery it was discovered that my ribs are deformed. While normal humans have ribs that curve inward mine are consistent with my contrary personality and curve outward. As the surgeons were lifting my chest muscles one of my ribs punctured my chest wall and caused one of my lungs to partially collapse. The puncture was not severe and was quickly patched but I would be staying in the hospital over night for observation and oxygen therapy. 

I cannot express how thankful I am for that puncture. The night that followed was a nightmare and I cannot fathom how I would have managed at home. Nausea, uncontrolled tremors throughout my body and pain held me prisoner and my body and soul felt at war. At one point I remember the nurse piling warm blankets on me and assuring me with giant compassionate eyes that I would be ok. She left the room with the promise to return momentarily to check on the tremors. As she left I whispered through chattering teeth, "God, I cannot do this. Please help." Instantly the tremors stopped. She returned a few minutes later and called me by the pet-name she had given me, "Sunshine! You're not shaking!" As the night progressed they would come and go but never to that extreme and never for long. 

Oxygen was weaned overnight, pain was finally controlled with a corrected dosage plan, a follow up ultrasound showed no further collapse and I was released to the arms of my family. 

The days that have followed have been hard. I look back on the first 72 hours and honestly cannot claim the victory for myself. I did not have the strength, courage or energy for a single moment of it. So many tears were shed as I questioned seriously if I had made the wrong decision. Every breath I took for those first three days was agony and at times I wished I had died in surgery. Anxiety attacks hit on day three as the anesthesia finally left my body and my adrenaline declined. I ended up in urgent care with many of the signs of my lung having fully collapsed but an x-ray showed that it had only gotten slightly worse and the symptoms I was having were actually labeled as "anxiety." 

I didn't feel anxious but my body was responding to trauma on my behalf despite my feelings. Interesting. 

Many many of you have reached out over the last week to check on me. Thank you. The road of recovery ahead will be a long one. I find it crazy that today I'm celebrating that I had the strength to give myself a sponge bath! The last 6 days have revealed to me that I don't have to have the physical, emotional and spiritual strength to walk this path. Yet, God will supply everything I need for every moment. 

Physically we have been so well cared for. Friends have come to sit with me as Andrew has run himself ragged taking care of the girls or picking my sister up from the airport. Meals have been brought without ceasing. We have been saturated with love that has daily pointed us to our loving God.

My sister arrived with no issues and her plane was even 30 minutes early (when does THAT happen?!)! She has been a literal gift as she has daily reminded me of what sacrificial love looks like. Little would we have ever guessed that one day I, the older sister would be sitting incapacitated while the younger sacrificially washed my armpits! Looking back on the last couple of years I can see how God has been preparing me for these moments. Through incredibly hard trials He stripped away my self-dependence and arrogant self-reliance and showed me just how weak I am. I still cry as my 5 year old zips up my coat. I still get frustrated that my husband is running around exhausted while I can do little else but watch TV. However, I am mainly just so thankful that my little ones are already choosing to be the hands of Jesus, that my husband is choosing to love me in a way that makes me marvel, and that I am fully assured that God delights in filling my empty hands with more of His unfailing, never ceasing, overwhelmingly satisfying self. 

It's beautiful to see how God is using something so dark and life shattering as this to bind our family's hearts closer, strengthen my marriage and deepen my relationship with God. I'm really amazed to be flourishing in a valley where most would expect one to wither. 

Anyway, today I'm experiencing an allergic reaction to an antibiotic and covered in itchy hives so if I come to mind pray I'll have a right spirit (and that the reaction will subside). I'll keep you posted on the adventures that come in the days ahead. Waving good-bye with my limited mobility T-Rex arms!

Rachel