Joy, Faith & Hope

The Death Of A Dream

Almost every girl dreams of growing up, getting married, and giving life to a tiny bundle of joy. I was no exception. While there was a period of time that I vowed I would "never want to have kids," God graciously began to change that desire and, in January of 2015, I found myself 5 weeks pregnant with our first child. It's amazing how quickly a "mothering" instinct took root and I began changing all kind of normal habits to protect this little life growing inside of me. While I didn't feel particularly great I was enjoying the fantasy that I might be one of those lucky women who wouldn't experience morning sickness! My husband and I began praying, dreaming, and planning for the day our little one would enter the world. We never dreamed that this entrance would come three short weeks later. On January 30, 2015 I made my way to the pregnancy care centre where I would spend the day counselling women who had found themselves in the midst of an unplanned pregnancy. I privately shared my own exciting news with the staff and then began my normal trip home. However, something didn't seem "normal." I arrived home to find that I had begun spotting. I had watched enough friends walk through a miscarriage to know the likelihood of what was happening. I crawled onto my bed in tears and prayed, "God, I'm terrified. You know what is best and you love this little life more than I ever could. I desperately want to raise this baby and see it grow to love you, but if that's not your will I'm begging you for grace to walk forward." Eight hours in the ER revealed that my baby had stopped growing around the time that I had first discovered I was pregnant. As I had feared we were beginning the end of the miscarriage process. It's impossible to adequately describe what it feels like to watch a very part of you die. It's impossible to explain how it feels to see life, a life that your instincts are screaming you should protect, drain from your body. It's a pain that can only be understood by those who have experienced it. A few days later my husband and I decided to name our firstborn Joy. This wasn't because we had received special revelation from God as to the gender of our baby, but because the name Joy summed up the greatest lesson we had learned in this valley. We learned that it is completely possible to experience joy without happiness. Joy does not require pasting on a giggly, "lollipops and rainbows" demeanour in the midst of agony. Rather, Joy defined is:

 "Thankfully embracing and contentedly submitting to God's will for my life recognizing the incredible opportunity I have been given to bring glory to Him. In pleasant times joy looks like happiness. In difficult times joy looks like contentedness." ~ Pastor John Janke

Surprises and Disappointments

The doctors assured us that "1 in 4 women...and probably more than that really...experience a miscarriage in their life. This is normal. No need to worry!" While this didn't necessarily ease the pain it did give hope and, a few short months later, we again saw two pink lines on an early morning pregnancy test. With guarded enthusiasm we began planning again. I was slightly more miserable this time but, again, I didn't feel too terribly ill. We scheduled a routine ultrasound when I assumed I would be between 8-10 weeks. The technician seemed bothered and, after sharing some basic information, stated that we would probably be hearing from our doctor. We waited in agony for the weekend to pass before receiving a phone call on Monday morning saying that the doctor wanted to see us immediately. We again braced ourselves for bad news and were completely surprised to hear the doctor say, "I don't see anything to worry about. For now I think everything is fine but you are carrying identical twins. One is 6 weeks and the other is 6 weeks and 1 day! Congratulations!" I don't think either one of us actually walked out of that office...I'm pretty sure we both floated out the door on a bubble of elation. Twins??! That meant TWO carseats, TWO cribs, and TWO identical children! Would they be two boys or two girls? How would we ever agree on two sets of names?! The dreaming commenced again and, again, came to a screeching halt when a follow up ultrasound 2 weeks later showed that both of the babies had not developed since our last appointment. If anything they had begun to show signs of decay. If I thought the first loss was hard, the compilation of losing three lives in 6 months was devastating. I began experiencing a depth of struggle that I had never before known. The road that I've walked since these losses has been a dark one that few have been willing to experience with me. God has allowed me to walk through the valley of the shadow of death  and, at times, I've stood in awe that it has not consumed me. I began looking for biblical counsel to help me deal with the feelings of dirtiness, guilt, shame, and decay I felt trapped in. I searched for answers from a christian perspective to explain how a loving God could allow any of this to happen. Very often my searches left me empty handed and it is for this reason that I designed this blog. I want women to not only know that they are not alone, but to have resources and hope to cling to when they are left laying on the floor, emotionally shredded, wondering where their God has gone. As time passed my husband and I chose the names Faith and Hope for our twins. Our faith had been severely tested, yet, God's grace held us fast and did not allow us to walk away from Him. Instead, our faithful God had strengthened our faith and given us the endurance to stand firm. In turn, we had hope. Not necessarily a hope that we would one day see our children again, or hope in their eternal destiny, but confident expectation of the resurrection. We had hope because Jesus Christ had died to pay the penalty for our sin and had then rose again to give us a Living Hope. An unshakable hope that Christ would one day destroy death, eradicate tears of sorrow, and give us an Eternity with our God. While I definitely don't have it all together, God is graciously growing me and transforming me and I can embrace the pain knowing...it will be worth it.

    "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen." ~ Hebrews 11:1

Love, 

Rachel