One Year Reflections

It Is Well

One year. I try not to think of specific memories from September 21, 2016 on a regular basis. They pull me to a place that takes more energy than it deserves. But yesterday it was practically impossible not to remember vivid pictures and moments. My husband's worried eyes as he rushed home from class to check on how the labour was going. My mom's hands trying to ease the contractions in my back. Tears all around.

I could tell you that the following weeks and months were marked by a strong faith that never waivered but that would be a lie. In fact, many of you may wish to stop reading here if you want to avoid raw transparency. Six months after our loss the depression which had been plaguing me for 2 years took a turn into the darkest pit I have ever experienced. Emotionally, mentally and physically I broke and soon found myself under the care of a physician and psychologist. Judge if you wish but this Biblical counselor found her physical body damaged so badly from grief and trauma that she collapsed mentally. Asking for help was embarrassing and I felt ashamed for needing physical help when I had the Bible. Ah yes, the Bible. The book that I had studied for years and now was wondering if it was even true. The book that talked about a God that I wasn't sure I even believed in. The book that challenged me in a faith that I wasn't confident was worth pursuing. It was like I had been issued an exit card from this life and if everything I believed was bogus I could redeem the card. The options were clear: Either I wrestled through the pain with God or I determined that none of it was true and therefore life was purposeless. I'll spare you the months of drama (with a quick thank you to the husband who endured all of it) and tell you that God guided my heart to wrestle during which He made my faith steadfast and transformed my person. As I look back over the last year I would like to share several lessons with you which God has used to create the person I am today.

Guilt & Help

In general, Biblical Counselors believe that the root of depression is wholely spiritual and therefore it can be "cured" without the use of anti-depressants. Christian psychologists can have a tendency to become demonized due to the fact that they integrate scientific theory and techniques with the use of Scripture. While I have never personally held to this view I was shocked to see how much of it has influenced my personal actions. When I finally broke down and began using medication as well as seeing a psychologist I felt guilty and much like a failure. What I have learned is quite the opposite. The human body is designed to experience a gamete of emotions and experiences with each placing different stresses and trauma on the body and brain. When the human body becomes strained beyond its normal capacity the brain cannot function as it was designed and together the brain and body begin to suffer. While there may be spiritual elements to the state of one's depression it is important that we evaluate our spiritual condition and, if all seems in alignment with Scripture, seek medical help. As a biblical counselor I want to state that Scripture has the final authority and should be our primary guide book for obedient living. However, just as Scripture is not intended to be used for the purpose of curing a bladder infection, it is not intended to cure a body that is improperly producing hormones, etc. In short, it is not necessarily wrong to seek medical intervention for mental health issues. In addition, if a biblically grounded Christian psychologist is available in your area it is appropriate and helpful to pursue their services. All of this should be done with the ever present eye glasses of Scripture through which all things must be filtered.

Loss & the Grief Box

One of the most valuable pieces of counsel I received was the concept of a grief "box." Some may choose to make this a literal box but for me it is metaphorical. Anyone who has walked the journey of grief knows that a great deal of energy is required to properly grieve. That energy can be used for positive grieving but negative grieving will quickly drain mass amounts of energy which is unnecessary and unhealthy. For me, grief seemed to be a riding cloud over every day. It unconsciously coloured everything I did leaving me exhausted and far more emotional than necessary. As day after day passed this vacuum spiraled and compounded until I was functioning with the mental rational of a 10 year old.  The day I began implementing the grief box was a day that change began to take place. I began making a conscious choice to put my grief away and focus my energy on other things. Don't get me wrong, I still grieve, but I choose when I will open that box and I also know what happens if I don't make closure boundaries for myself! On the one year anniversary of Trust's death my grief box was open and I honestly didn't like it because it really hurt, but I also know that grieving is healthy and wounds only heal with proper care. If you are experiencing grief I would encourage you to consider the idea of a grief box. This may be a physical box where you keep things that remind you of your loss or it may be an emotional box where you put your memories and then choose when to pour your energy into them and when to delegate that energy to other areas. Either way, you do not have to live as a victim of grief.

Resignation or Delight

Are you resigned to God's will thinking that He is going to get what He wants anyway so there isn't  a lot you can do about it? Are you pulling through your days feeling used by God as just another pawn in His plan? When we view God through the lens of our circumstances rather than our circumstances through the lens of God these thoughts can take us on quite the lie ride. For years I have been resigned to God's will. When painful trials have entered my life I've bucked at them and then dragged my little self like Eeyore behind God's sovereignty. The working of the Holy Spirit showed me my sinful attitude and I realized that I needed a serious heart make over. If I truly believed that God has a bigger plan of such vast beauty that I could never comprehend, then I needed to stop having a conniption fit followed by a saggy attitude every time His way conflicted with my plans. This year I have spent countless hours studying the Psalms, praying, memorizing Scripture, and asking that God move my heart from one of resignation to one of delight. I have asked that He would cause me to delight so much in His ways of doing things that I would literally be able to face any disappointment, pain or loss with a peaceful heart that is embracing His plan with delight. There have been little disappointments, little trials along the way, and each time that I start in with the "WHAAAT??? UGH!!!" attitude I hear a still small reminder in my head: Rachel, do you truly delight in what God is doing? I praise Him for His grace in taking a proud sinner with an attitude problem and transforming my heart in a way I could have never accomplished on my own. I still fail but my direction, not perfection, is the key.

Satisfied and Laughing

Proverbs 31:25 says, "Strength and dignity are her clothing and she laughs at the years to come." This is not the response of a woman who has never experienced hardship. In fact, if this proverb was written by Bathsheba as some believe, these were the words of a woman who had personally experienced a great deal of loss including her husband and child. While she knew pain she also knew that God gives strength and hope so that we can not only survive grief but can thrive within it. Our hope of the future provides a heart that is not fearful and weighed down with worry but is at rest in the hands of a good God who is faithful and steadfast. Grief has the ability to absorb our laughter and eat away at our satisfaction. It can rob our hope and cause us to wonder how life can ever be full again. Praise be to God that He has redeemed our future and our present. He has not left us without a purpose but has made the believer His child giving them an eternal confidence. He is accomplishing something beautiful so no matter how dark and bleak your present circumstances may seem He has promised He is accomplishing perfection and will remain faithful. When our wombs and arms are empty, He has given us a purpose for His glory to proclaim His truth and build others up for the advancement of His kingdom. When your future is terrifying and you wonder if you'll be the old lady in the seniors home who is alone on Christmas without family, He has given you a glorious future as His child in His family, never to be separated. When your life seems broken and you feel shattered laughter and satisfaction is possible as we rest in His glorious redemption of all of these things. He has purchased you, called you by name and guaranteed an unimaginable inheritance. It is in these truths that grief can result in healing, emptiness can become satisfaction, and tears can dissipate into laughter.

I pray that God uses the lessons I am learning to strengthen and encourage your hearts today. By His grace I can honestly say that I am thankful for the past year and delighted to see what this next one will hold. How about you?