A Husband's Perspective on Helping After Loss

From the beginning he had been by my side. His hands shook and his eyes danced as he comprehended the note informing him that he was about to be a daddy again. Those same hands held mine as we made plans and dreamed of what the future would hold for this little one forming inside me. And when I was lying on the couch trying not to throw up his hands served me gently doing everything possible to make me more comfortable. This man, my husband, loves a challenge. When a problem arises he always has a good solution for fixing it. Whether he is working with wood, studying a passage, or ironing a wrinkle in our relationship he finds joy in knowing he can create something beautiful out of a mess. But when the ultrasound tech couldn't find a heartbeat his hands hung helplessly by his side. When my heart broke into a thousand pieces he could do nothing to fix it.

Grief is one of the most difficult challenges a couple can face together because everyone grieves differently, even when grieving the same loss. This is complicated further when our desire to fix things cannot be fulfilled and circumstances beyond our control rage like storms.

The articles I write are meant to bring the hope of God's Word into the midst of troubles that are silently born. This article is the result of my husband's willingness to communicate how a wife can practically help her husband effectively minister to her after a loss. Driving in the car one day I asked him,

What can a grieving wife do to make her husband's

                         ministry to her easier?

Let me unpack the three points that he shared:

1) "Let Him"

Why is it so hard for a woman to accept her husband's help? I don't know about you, but personally I hate to inconvenience my husband. I always feel like I am the one who should be taking care of things and I hate putting my husband in a place where he has to serve me. Ladies, this is called pride. Even when masked in the garments of "unselfishness" the core of the attitude is wanting to be needed...not being needy. Your husband will thrive in his ministry to you when you let him come along side you during grief. Whether this looks like allowing him to order in dinner, do the dishes, hold you while you cry, share truth when you are thinking crazy...the list goes on. Here is a real life example. After each of my miscarriages I experienced extreme weakness throughout my body. I would attempt to unload the dishwasher and could only lift 1-2 plates at a time. The day I carried 5 at one time was a huge deal! But this would have been one of the ways that I could have recognized my limitations and accepted help. It would have been a blessing to me to force myself to rest and it would have made my husband's ministry to me easier. It seems like a basic concept but the truth of his answer was profound to me. One of the greatest ways you can help your husband to help you is to simply let him.

2) Communicate

Grief is a strange animal. The things that go through your mind, the emotions that rage through your body, the feelings that can range in extremes in the course of 5 minutes...It's definitely not my favourite journey in life. While your husband is likely grieving with you, each of you will grieve in a way that is unique and cannot be replicated. For this reason it is absolutely vital that you communicate clearly. First, it is crucial that a wife express what is helpful and what will not be so. For instance, it may be helpful for your husband to sit and listen but giving feedback or trying to act is not helpful. I am a verbal processor and therefore I talk a lot during grief. Trying to rationalize my experiences with the things I know to be true about God can often lead to some very interesting, even heretical, things coming out of my mouth! At times I need my husband to put an end to it and remind me of truth, but at other times I just need him to be a listening ear. Giving disclaimers such as, "I know that what I am about to say is not theologically accurate but I just need to work through this and I need you to listen" will help your husband to know how can best help you. Second, your husband cannot read your mind any more than you can read his. Yes, that is correct, you can't read his mind. Anyway, great damage can be done to your relationship if you expect him to be God. After a miscarriage physical touch can be a curse and a gift. I've mentioned in previous articles that my husband's hugs melt away tension, but for some intimacy of any kind is a trigger that creates more trauma. These are things that should not be avoided but should be communicated so that you can work through them as a couple. Maybe it helps you to get out of the house because it gives you something else to focus on. Express that. Let me caution however, that communication is always a fine line. It is important to share what helps you in the healing process and what does not but this can easily slip into ungracious and unloving speech. Especially when emotions are so highly charged. Communicating within the boundaries of Colossians 4:6 will always enhance the healing process and will build your husband as a brother in Christ.

"Let you speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person."

3) Show Appreciation

Finally, show appreciation for his efforts. At various points of the grief journey it is easy to become incredibly self focused. Life is swirling around you like a vortex and you feel as though every waking moment you are simply fighting to stay alive. HOW are you supposed to think about appreciating anyone else?? Showing appreciation is helpful for your healing and your husband's good in three ways.

 

First, it empowers your husband in the midst of a very devastating time by giving him things that he knows will help you. When he feels helpless, your words of affirmation and appreciation will bring great encouragement to his heart. While these words may not be elaborate they can make a lasting impact. A pad of sticky notes may be your best friend during this time. Did he do the dishes before he left for work so you could sleep? Put a sticky note on them with a simple, "This was a blessing. Thank you." A quick note on the bathroom mirror, his side table, or in his bible sharing how much you appreciated this or that will be the sweetest treasure to him.

 

Second, expressed appreciation helps your husband's healing process by strengthening him in the Lord. Hebrews 3:13 and 1 Thessalonians 5:11 are just two passages in Scripture which tell us to, "encourage one another." This command doesn't have a qualifier stating, "unless you are crushed by grief and don't have it in you." The command stands regardless of our experiences. When you encourage your husband by expressing your appreciation it encourages his heart, points him to the Lord, and helps him to heal on his own grief journey. Interestingly enough, Hebrews 3:13 indicates that a failure to encourage one another daily can result in falling prey to sin's deceitfulness. Choosing to encourage your husband prevents Satan from having a foothold in your marriage and hearts.

 

Third, showing appreciation for another requires that a grieving wife look away from her road of loss and focus, however briefly, on another. This will be a skill which will become increasingly necessary as the grief journey continues. Becoming absorbed in the path of that dark valley may feel easier but in the end it will drain more energy from you than choosing to focus on God's character and expressing that to others. There are times when it is necessary to be in that dark place for a season in order to confront the grief and process what has happened. Yet, to stay there will only drag you to a place which is neither healthy nor God glorifying. Looking around you and acknowledging your husband's ministry will help you to grieve in a God honoring manner while also ministering to your husband.

 

Looking back I can see how I have often failed in each of these areas. My husband is not married to someone who has it all together! Sadly, I had to learn each of these lessons without someone to break them down into manageable bites for me. It is my prayer that these bits of advice will help you as a grieving wife to navigate the mine field of grief in an effective way that will build your walk with the Lord, strengthen your husband, and glorify God on your journey.