Let's Talk Sex - An Open Letter to the Soon to be Bride

To the Reader: In the months leading to the writing of this post I encountered several situations which brought great concern to me.  Situations like the woman who believed her fiancé was "too godly" to participate in any form of sex outside of the missionary position; The friend who was shocked to see me endorse a book on biblical sex that approved of oral sex; The professing Christians who were giddy with excitement over Fifty Shades of Grey. All of these caused a great deal of personal, mental processing and this post is the result. I understand that this topic is often avoided and may cause offence to some. I pray that I have accurately handled God's Word and have written in a manner which adequately examines the topic while remaining within the biblical bounds of modesty and propriety. 

Hello Friend,

As women have found out that I’m not afraid to openly and honestly talk about sex, I’ve had more than one conversation regarding my views on the topic. Personally, I have no problem talking about biblical sex as long as you aren't asking me to divulge what is practiced within the confines of my own home. However, just sharing my perspectives on Scripture has resulted in more than one person sitting back in shock. Especially when I’ve said, “God made sex and, as long as you aren’t hurting your spouse or violating your conscience, anything you want to do is ok.” One person actually became pretty upset with me and informed me that there are levels of godliness within sex. As I’ve been thinking about my (apparently shocking) statement I’ve realized that, in using the word “conscience,” I may be assuming that everyone is hearing “scripture.” I’m realizing that’s not the case. So I thought that I’d just write and clarify what I believe and why I believe it. I will, however, warn you that this letter won’t be rated PG. I figure that if God made sex to be beautiful, and wrote a pretty graphic book which makes people in today's culture blush, then I can too :) 

A Beautiful Gift

Let me begin by saying that God made sex to be a beautiful gift between a husband and wife. It is an act that constantly validates the vows spoken, and the covenant made, to be “one flesh.” It also is to be a living illustration on earth of the unity that exists between Christ and the Church and the “oneness” that exists in the Trinity. All of life is meant to be an act of worship. This includes sex as it is a reflection of the joyous self giving and pleasure of love within the trinity. This can be seen in John 1:18 and John 17:5, 21, 24-25. When sex is used to demonstrate love, and self giving, it is dimly reflecting some of the characteristics of unity within the trinity. For this reason, when we participate in this act we are worshipping God. How so you may ask? First, we are demonstrating the pleasure of love (I Corinthians 13). Second, we are able to be one while being separate persons similar to the trinity (Genesis 2:24). Third, as seen in I Corinthians 7:4, biblical sex is is a gift of giving oneself for another just as the trinity operates. Finally, we worship God when we biblically use sex because we are participating in a covenanting act just as the Church has entered into a covenant with Christ. Song of Solomon 8:6-7 mentions that the union between a husband and wife should be like a seal on the heart. This meant that nothing would separate or remove it as sex is to be a sign of unity and belonging. 

 Unfortunately, our twisted world has taken something that was created to be beautiful and has corrupted it to the point that most people find it “shameful” to talk about. Thus, women like you and me are pretty much left to figure it all out for ourselves. The lack of scriptural teaching on this topic has (I believe) created a monster. Each woman is left to determine what is “right” and “wrong” within sex. As a result, on the rare occasion that someone within our own church is willing to discuss sex, condemnation flies. Many rise up in indignation when they hear other believers giving credence to anything outside of the missionary position. It’s interesting that even secular people define basic intercourse as “the straight and narrow.” The topic escalated as an issue in my mind currently due to the recent swarm of professing Christians who are drooling over the Fifty Shades of Grey trend. We have no moral compass because we have neglected such incredibly important instruction from Scripture. If we haven’t perverted sex, then we’ve brought baggage to the table that tells us that differing forms of sex are somehow wrong or less pleasing to God. What a foothold for Satan! If we can incorrectly teach our conscience to go against Scripture, while convincing ourselves that this is from the Holy Spirit, Satan has a full playing field to work with. So, if you are willing to stick with me a little longer, can I explain what I believe biblical sex to be from Scripture?

Sex In General

As long as a sexual act is not violating Scripture, then I feel strongly that it is beautiful within the marriage bed. What does biblical sex look like? It is loving (Eph 5:25), which ultimately means patient, kind, thinking of the other person, willing to put their needs first, and does not seek its own agenda (I Corinthians 13:4-5). Biblical sex will be understanding towards the other and will demonstrate an attitude of honour from the husband towards the wife. In essence, in bed, the wife is treated with utmost respect and as a fragile vase, not an object to be used (I Peter 3:7). This is what beautiful sex looks like. So let’s break it down. 

Bondage Sex

This is the big thrill right now coming from all those books and movies that don’t need a second mentioning. This type of sex uses dominance and force. It quickly moves into using pain to heighten arousal and requires a “safe word” that a partner can use when things need to stop. I’ll just say this, compare that short paragraph to the way Scripture defines biblical sex and I don’t think it’s rocket science to figure out that this is unbiblical. 

Oral Sex

Shockingly, this is not only perfectly aligned with the points from Scripture, but it is actually condoned in Scripture as being a good and beautiful part of sex! AHHHHH!!! Song of Solomon is FULL of it. While people have tried to over spiritualize Song of Solomon and make it into this whole thing about the “garden” being God’s people and it’s “spices” being the aroma of believers obedience…which literally makes me blush and break out in giggles EVERY time I hear it preached…lets be honest with the text and call a spade a spade. When you see the term “garden” in Song of Solomon it is referring to the female genitals. The nut orchard is the male…not hard. So here we go :) I won’t go into depth, but please read these passages: Song of Solomon 4:16, 5:1, 6:2, 6:11. See what I mean? Some would say that even these passages are not referring to oral sex and that Scripture is actually silent on this topic. My response would be that it is then an issue of personal liberty and should be evaluated through the lens of I Corinthians 13 and many of the other Scriptures which have been addressed above. 

Toys

As long as this is a way for you to please your spouse, and it’s not violating the above clear guidelines from Scripture, it’s not a problem. When it turns into a thing that is all about personal pleasure…then you’re violating Scripture. My only warning with these is that the use of vibrators and other toys can lead to a place where you are only able to be stimulated by the toy and not your husband which is a problem too. So you just have to be careful. 

The Wife's Pursuit

Some have concluded that it is a wrong for the wife to initiate sex. Some have even told me that they don't care about sex so the only way it will happen is if their husband pursues them. Girl, that's a load of bologna. Sex is an act, participated in by two covenant making spouses, to worship God and serve one another. There is no reason in the world why your husband should be doing all the work. Again, Song of Solomon (3; 5:10-16, etc.) is pretty clearly a team effort. You have the power to make your husband feel like the most important person in your world (which he should be!) by being a Tiger. Enough said. 

Other stuff

If you want to get dressed up in costumes and pretend like you are a patient while your husband is the doctor…go for it. Obviously, fantasizing about your spouse being someone other than who they are (for instance a movie star, someone you work with, etc.) is a problem. But if you just want to add some fun into it, there is nothing violating Scripture. I think the points been made pretty clear that, as long as it falls within the guidelines above, it’s not a problem. 

Our Conscience

So let’s wrap all of this up with this underlying point. Sometimes baggage and the latest version of Cosmopolitan magazine can result in our consciences literally being taught incorrectly. If your conscience says, “this is wrong to participate in,” and you see Scripture saying the same thing, then run with all your might. But if your conscience condemns you, and Scripture expounds on it as a glorious and beautiful thing, then we need to re-evaluate what’s going on. Am I saying that it would then be wrong to withhold from forms of sex outside of the missionary position? No. Just because something is outlined in Scripture as ok doesn't mean it has to be personally practiced. For instance, if you just find the idea of some forms of sex to be repulsive then that’s probably not going to be a romantic time that will make your husband feel like the best thing in the world. :) But if the only reason you are abstaining from biblical forms of sex is because your conscience has been incorrectly taught, then maybe it’s time to pray about it and ask God to re-teach your conscience. 

When it all comes down to it we go back to I Corinthians 10:23-31. As long as it’s not a violation of Scripture, its lawful. Your underlying desire in everything you do, including sex, should be to glorify God. Just be careful not to put levels of godliness on different types of sex. Even if you are applying them only to yourself :) 

Recommended Reading:

Here are a couple of books I highly recommend! 

The Meaning of Marriage - Timothy Keller

Sheet Music - Dr. Kevin Leman